HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

By Dr. Marion Somers, Ph. D., Ask Dr. Marion

QUESTION: We are hosting Thanksgiving at my house this year, and I'm concerned about my 85 year-old grandmother. Do you have any hints so I can try to help her have a good time? Lori in California, 44

ANSWER: During the holidays, many families are full of excitement and expectation. But for an elderly family member, the holidays might be a time of sadness and remembering past holidays when they were at a more enjoyable place in their life. While younger people are busy running around getting gifts, making food, and putting up the decorations, your grandmother might not even be aware that the holidays are here. Do all you can to make your grandmother feel like she's a vital part of the holidays. Meet her needs and the entire family will have a more enjoyable holiday.

How can you meet her needs? Make special considerations. Don't just plop her down in front of the television or at the dining table. Involve her in as much of the preparation as possible. This includes wrapping presents, chopping the nuts, or beating the eggs. Be sure you have the correct foods prepared if she has any specific dietary or medical needs. You could also make your grandmother the guest of honor who lights the candles or recites a special prayer if that occurs in your family. Many elderly like to sing holiday songs. It's part of their long term memory. Whatever you plan, it has to be something that makes your elder feel present and in the middle of things in a genuine way.

Consider these additional ideas that should make your grandmother feel present in the excitement and love of the holidays:

• Once at the get-together, assign different family members to sit near her for one-to-one conversation and companionship. This role needs to rotate every hour if possible.
• Make sure there is a comfortable environment for her to take a nap, if need be.
• Be ready to help her to the bathroom. Take away the embarrassment. Make sure someone stays with grandma to help with orientation to the various rooms of the home.
• Manage her clothing, too. Keep a sweater handy if she gets cold, and help her take it on and off. If she has to wear a bib when he eats, make sure it's a stylish, functional one.
• Pull out old family photos that include good times when your grandmother was younger. It's fun for her to remember a fishing trip, a birthday party, Thanksgivings past, or other family events. It reminds her that she made a powerful contribution to the family. Give your grandmother time to tell her stories, even if you've heard them before.

Another point: Being removed from their family could send your grandmother in to a real funk, so call or visit her soon after the holidays to let her know you're still thinking about her. Talk about the recent holiday and bring along any pictures that were taken. It helps her enjoy the event a second time. If you're sending pictures, write the names, dates, occasion, and relationships on the back of the photo to help jog the memory and make it easier for her to show her friends.