My 87 year old mother-in-law was seen by a neurologist today who told her that she needs to go into assisted living, should not drive and she should let my husband (her son) manage her finances (paying bills, etc.)
She currently lives with us after we went to Arizona to bring her here. She was forgetful, losing keys, not remembering what she had been doing, and she had fallen and sustained a low back fracture for which we have taken her to get help. She was compliant at first when she arrived, but since forgets that she was willing and compliant in coming here to live. She wants to return to Arizona and live on her own. She refuses to proceed with what the neurologist told her to do. My husband states that he will take her out tonight and "lay down the law," and if she is unwilling, then he will tell her that she is "on her own to take care of herself."
I am concerned. Since she should not be alone, and his plan is to turn her loose, what can I do? What should we do? Please help, we live in Michigan. I want to do what is safe and right and legal for my mother-in-law.
It is important that all family members get some education on dementia. Your mother-in-law can't make agreements because she can't remember what she agreed to. See the article "Ten Real-Life Strategies for Dementia Caregivers" for some great ideas.
There are many techniques to caring for someone with dementia, and we'd suggest that you might want to attend a support group or read up on dealing with dementia behaviors.
The things she is doing are quite "normal" under the circumstances. Additionally, it would not be legal to "dump" her to be on her own now that the diagnosis has been given; it is considered elder abuse.
This doesn't mean that you need to care for her in your own home.
An assisted living or dementia facility or adult day care might be good alternatives for her.
The neurologist might want to help you by giving her medication that will make her less agitated.
In the meantime, when she talks about going home, ask her about her home, what her favorite memory is.
You might find out that when she says she wants to go home she isn't even thinking about her home in Arizona. Deflect her concern about going home by saying "We are working on it," if appropriate. Agree with her concerns so as to be reassuring, and learn about "therapeutic lying" to ease her anxiety. Mostly at this point you need support and information to help you make whatever decisions you need to make to both take care of yourself and your family as well as to take care of your mother in law.
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