ELDER SEX

By Dr. Marion Somers, Ph. D., Ask Dr. Marion

QUESTION: I'm a caregiver for my 79 year-old mother. She has a new boyfriend and it bothers me when she talks about her desire for sex. What should I do? Van in California, 50

ANSWER: There's an old expression?there may be snow on the roof, but there's still fire in the furnace. This could come as a surprise to some, but the vast majority of elderly are still sexually active. If they're not active, they're usually interested in the topic and enjoy talking about it. The need for affection, love, and physical stimulation does not disappear as people age. Don't be embarrassed if your mother is still active and interested in sex. Intimacy is powerful and it lives on as we age.

Many adult children of elderly parents are just not comfortable with their parents being sexually active, especially if they've been widowed or divorced and a new partner is involved. Guess what? You have to get over it. What do you think, the stork brought you? Your mom's sex life is really none of your business. The body is meant to be enjoyed. I'm not encouraging promiscuity, but if your mother is active and interested, you should encourage it. It's not the same kind of sex you have when you're much younger, but it's still very powerful and important.

Another thing: some elders are not aware of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), so be sure they use condoms and get checked for STDs just as others would. And don't gossip about your mother's sex life. Sex is a natural part of life. It affirms our humanity, so get comfortable with it. Talk frankly about it, but don't discuss her private issues with others. Give your mother the space to experience it, and make sure you respect her privacy.