COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

By Dr. Marion Somers, Ph. D., Ask Dr. Marion

QUESTION: I'm an only child. My 84 year- old mother lives with me and my husband. She still talks to me and "instructs" me in life as if I were a child. I'm very frustrated, but if I try to move out she thinks I'm a "snot" and bratty. There is no way to communicate with her because she will go to her room, close the door and pout. She refuses to discuss these things and is very passive-aggressive in her communication. I basically help her when she requests it, but generally leave her alone in her moods. It's a terribly difficult situation. Please offer me any ways to help. Anna in California, 62

ANSWER: There are several issues to address here, Anna. You may not like it, but an only child often bears the full responsibility of caring for aging parents, or at least that is what is expected or anticipated. There is often an attitude of "I did this for you - now it's your turn to do for me." But conflicts arise since many times, the needs of the elder are beyond the adult child's emotional, physical, and/or financial means or capacities.

You have taken the step to move your mother in with you, and that shows your devotion and love. But having an elder live in your home can violate your space and negatively impact your relationship with your spouse or lover or roommate. And it's not easy to turn things around once they start to deteriorate. Communication is often filled with old habits, resentments, misunderstandings, and unresolved issues from the past.

So let's discuss some new ways of handling the issues at hand.

• The first thing to remember is that we cannot change anyone, but we can change ourselves and our behaviors and our communication. Read some books on communication or take a class on communication. Make sure that your communication is always adult-to-adult.
• All households need rules. Be clear about what is acceptable and what is not. The rules need to be determined and agreed upon by all in the household. I suggest they be written out and placed on the refrigerator so that everyone remembers (and follows!) them.
• Especially when we are short on time or money, writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal can help relieve some of the pressures and concerns you are dealing with.
• Finally, you have to get support for yourself, either by talking with friends, going to a support group in your community, or attending therapy if you want your thoughts and feelings to remain private. Support allows you to get resolution on the often difficult elder care issues that you face on a daily basis. You must remember that you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of caregivers who meet the challenge of caregiving on a daily basis.